A little sample of my writing let me know what you

[dwim]

Margo was laying on my bed where I was kissing her mad, so mad that I could never feel that something was missing in her embraces and gestures. I was always so happy to see her whenever I came to town. It pains me that I had to be away from her for a week at a time. All the poems, all the letters, all my unending devotion to this one girl, this what I felt like I deserved. All the times that I've thought of her because I was so in love with her! Bragged to my roommates of this lady, I put her on a pedestal because she was everything to me. My only duty was to make sure she's happy with me. There I was, kissing her on her cheeks because she turns away at the last second!
Finally, she pushed me away and lounged on the chair in my room. Staring down at the blue carpet of my room in my parents' house, she said that she needed to talk. Her long, blond hair brushed back by her hands, and the far away glance in her hazel eyes. Her thin red lips turned into thoughts before they opened. "I don't really like what I'm about to tell you," she started. "But we had some great times together you know? And you are always so good to me." Then she looked at me, "Why so sad? Are you sure you want to hear what I have to say?"
"Why don't you just, uh, say what's on your mind?" I asked her.
"Well, it's kinda hard to tell you."
This was where I started to get worried. "Did somebody do anything to you? If someone did,I'll be very pissed." I loved her that much. The thought of someone harming her was at very foremost worry of my mind.
"No," she smiled. "Nothing like that." I can feel her waqnting to look in my eyes, but I wanted her to just say something and get just get it over with. Like right now. Her silence was killing me."Think you can handle it?"
"If I have to," I replied. "Whatever it is, I'll stand by you." That what I believed devotion was meant to be, just stand by her and work it through to see it through.
"Well, I feel bad about this, but I have to." I told her to just go ahead, to tell me what is on her mind. "Well," she went to pick up a cigarette and lit it up. "We had so many great times together. And Tim, you were so amzing, you gotta be the best one I have in my life so far, but..." She paused as if trying to guess what my reaction would be. "I don't feel like you do towards me."
"So? You're dumping me?" Now, I was thinking, All the happiness - gone. All the hopes for the future - gone. All the laughter and reasons for them are gone. Everything, the dreams, all my vows of success, gone. I got up and ran my hand through my head. Then, I paced around the room. She was quiet during all this time as if to let sink in. I was thinking, why? What could be the reason? What could be the thing that made her decide this? Most of all, why?
"Please understand, it's not you. It was me. Ok?" I had no response to that. "What are you feeling?"
I just sat on that bed and let her know, calmly, that I didn't like it. "So what now?" I asked. She mentions that we could be friends. I could feel my hands started to shake a little bit, so I light up a cigarette to let the smoke calm me down. How do I drive to Indianapolis with so much hurt, I thought. Do I even want to drive with such a crazy state? My mind was reeling from her words. "What are your reasons?"
"Well,"she placed her hands palms down, one higher than the other. "I love you from down here and you love me from up here. I'll be all the time trying to catch up all the way up there to you and I feel that I would only drag your heart through the mud." Levels? All this was new to me and I couldn't understand what she was trying to tell me. Even though I was confused at the time, I didn't press her about it. "Well," she asked. "Do you have anything to say?"
"Yeah, I'm taking you home."
She told my parents bye as we were leaving, all the while trying my damnedest to hide the pain in my face, in my eyes, and however else they could detect that I was hurting. I didn't want them to know. If I hadn't had to cash my check at the local bank, I would've drove straight to Indianapolis that night. I had to wait until the next morning. I wanted time to think. I wanted time to clear my head before I press the breakup issue. On the way to her house, she held on to my arm, watching the road ahead of us. There, for those moments, I didn't want it to end. Just freeze in time and stay that way forever. I was surprised that I could drive all that, with the rain and the hurting in my brain, didn't help my poor navigational skills all that much. Pouring down of rain, pulled up in her driveway. She asked if I'm okay, then I tell her not to worry, she walks out into the rain. I didn't bother to watch her walk up to the door like I always did, I started leaving as soon as she closed the door. On the way home, I must've smoked a few too many cigarettes for a thirthy minutes drive. Then again, I've cried one too many tears. I told the sky to make sure she's happy, that she gget what she wanted. That never bothered much, it was the salt in the tears that burnt up my cheek.
When I got home, I avoided my parents who only wanted to pay attention to the tv. They came in a few moments after I got into my room to ask me if everything was all right. I told them everything was going to be fine. Everything was going to be all right. Then I went to bed and turned out the lights.
The next morning I woke up and the events and the words from the night before came flooding to me. It felt like I woke up to a brick wall and I didn't want to face the drive to Indianapolis. Then again, I wanted to get away from here, away from everything. The relationship only lasted three months and I still got hurt from it. Longest I've been in one and I regretted it couldn't last longer. Neverhteless, I threw on my clothes, packed my bags and got to the bank to make my car payment as it was getting to the end of the month when it was due. I figured I'd head up to the fast food joint where Margo's mom works. She was surprised to see me there and asked me why I'm not on my way yet. I just told her that I had to eat before I go, why not Burger King?
She asked me if there's anything wrong and I told her that I'm fine. Liar I am, liar I'll be all day. Cried on the interstate to joined the dew on the morning ground. The letter I wrote Margo was mailed off that morning in Xenia, Ohio.
Well, I got to Indianapolis, beset by rain.
When I got to my apartment, I found my roommate, Eric, sitting on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching the television. I didn't say anything and head straight for the room where I laid my stuff on the bed. So much fatigue, so much sadness. I just fell on the bed and put my head in the pillows. In the silence, I could hear the rain coming down outside with such rhythm that I love to hear sometimes. Now, it has more of a meaning to it. After a few minutes, I paid it no mind and reach for a notebook of paper and a pen. Of course I wrote Margo already, but that don't mean I couldn't write another one. I wrote of hwo the world seems lost to me now, the one with meaning. I wonder why I should go on. Then, I caught myself a tear and one fell on the paper. Fuck it, I thought. Let it stay there. Maybe she'd see it, maybe not.
David, another one of my roommates, peek his head in. "Hey, it's almost time for school." Then right off the bat, he noticed my sadness. "What's wrong?"
"No need to talk about it man," I told him.
"Man you got all the signs, your girlfriend dumped you. Or should i call her ex now?"
"Yeah, that what happened."
"Well, you better get to school. You're gonna be late."
I just finish off the four pages of misery and sealed it in an envelope with a stamp. I stuck it on top of the mailbox, where there's like a gap between it and a wall. That's the way I figured to be the best way to mail off letters and the neighbors does the same thing. Then I went on to school.
When I settle into the classroom, I noticed a bunch of my classmates studying instead of doing early work on the computers. I turned to one of them and asked him what's going on?
"Man, did you forget? We got a big test today."
My situation was not good. I got all these griefs to straighten out and there's a big test. This just sucks. So I crammed the best way I could and sent myself to slaughter, in other words, I took the test the best way I could. Afterwards, I went out into the hallway and had a seat by the break room. I just sat there and stare ahead. Thinking, that was all I was doing. Questions in my head. Nagging questions that I can't get out of my head. The images of her hands in my head, "I love you from down here, you love me from way up here. Can't catch up to you up here. We're not on the same level." Her voice ringing in my head. Dammit Margo! Shut up! Margo was only miles away.
"Smile," a voice came in. It wasn't Margo. I noticed one of my female classmate looking at me.
"That what my girlfriend always tell me," I told her. "Well, ex-girlfriend because she just dumped me last night."
"That's not good. Oh man, the day before the test too. You're really screwed. Well, hey, cheer up. You'll get over it in time."
"Yeah, ok thanks."
Then she went off to sit somewhere alone. Alone, I just want to be left alone, that's all.
That night, I went to work more determined to keep busy. One of my co-workers told me I seem out of it. I didn't talk about it with him and went on. Working and working. Well, Jet, you got to keep your mind off of her, just let it be.
David, who works at the same place as I do, told me this: "Man, you need beer. Stop and get yourself some on the way home."
Why not? So I went ahead and got them.
I showed little interest in David's wrestling and poped open a bottle of beer and sat down at the table. As i was coming in, I noticed the letter was still up, the mailman didn't come by today, something about a holiday. i don't care. That letter will get to her in time.
David sat down in the chair across from me.
"So your girlfriend dumped you huh?"
"Yep, that what happened."
"Man, that sucks. You were so happy too. Well, that when it happens. I get the feeling that you have to act like you're feeling miserable then they won't dump you. These girls, they want you to feel bad just because some boyfriend from the past made them feel that way. Was she going with anyone else before you?"
"Well," I began. "There was the one guy who dumped her over the pager just before she met me."
"Oh man!" He rubbed his eyes with his fists. "A rebound. That's what you are. When did she dumped you?"
"Last night."
"You should've done it Saturday. Then you'll have her crawling at your feet Sunday begging you to take her back."
"She didn't go begging to that guy to take her back. She's not the type to do that kind of thing."
"Well, I don't know what to tell you but get over it."
I laid in bed that night and fell asleep. If only I could sleep away the misery. Instead I dreamed.
A fast speeding car on a highway. The driver was wearing sunglasses, grinning through his teeth. "Go." he told me. "Just go. You know what you want. Go."
I woke up too early the next morning and ignored the sun peering through the window. Coffee was the first thing on my mind after Margo. Margo and coffee with the cigarette. Then I said, "Fuck it." I took a shower and got dressed. Found my key on the dresser and went for a drive around the city close to the apartment. On the way back to the apartment, I stopped at a fast food place. Burgers and fries. Then I went back to the apartment.
All my roommates asked where I went. "Out to get some food."
They left for their classes. I sat at the table and ate before I picked up my bag. Then I walked outside, unsure what I want to do. The letter was still there. I stopped and looked at it. Then I stared at the ground in thoughts. Fuck it, I thought. I grabbed the letter and went straight to my car.
"Ok Black Knight. We got a long day ahead of us, what do you say we get some gas and head back to Ohio. There's somebody I need to see."
There was a Shell station out by the exit to the highway and that where I filled up. I was feeling like I'm on fire. I was talking to my self something crazy. "Ok just fill this sucker up and hit the highway."
I went in to pay with cash. There was some blond behind the counter. "Hey," I asked her. "What would you want your boyfriend to tell you after you dump him for you take him back?"
She stopped what she was doing and just looked at me. "Um well, I don't know. I have to say that it depends on the situation."
"Well, I would tell you the situation but I ain't got time for that. Say, you sell flowers?"
"No, but the grocery store just over across the way would have them."
"Well, damnation, I don't have time for that. Well, thank you and have a grand day."
I sped up a bit up that highway and got on the interstate.
I was burning. The wheels are turning. The engines humming a nice tune. I turned on the radio and found a good station. Now I got the speaker blasting with Metallica. Perfect! I pass cars like they're standing still. I was out of my mind and best of all, I don't care. My hands were really gripping the steering wheel. The roads just lay ahead like ribbons and tempting me to drive it all. That was all I want to do. Before I knew it, Indianapolis was behind me and was fading into the distance. I got a cigarette and smoke them, quite a few or a few too many. Haven't made up my mind about it yet. The eastern horizen just keep rising towards me. Hundred miles per hour, this was what it felt like. Daring danger either here or there. I just kept going. There were cops patrolling that stretch as always, I just slow down and sped up as soon as they're out of sight. The road just disappears and then more come up. I need to get there. I need to get to her house. I need to see her.
I never want to do without her love.

[This message has been edited by dwim (edited June 18, 2000).]

[dwim]

Ok, Ok...

You suck dwim. Give it up dwim. You're not a good writer dwim. Go get hit by a truck and disappear dwim.

[Branflakes]

I don't think too many people have stopped by yet. Be patient.


As for the story....I think it's a good draft. I think it needs some work. I like the dialogue between the two, but his "thoughts" seem too wordy at times. Does that make sense? Anyway, please keep giving it a go and don't even think about jumping in front of a truck. I'd like to read more of your stuff.

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Branflakes, the ninja lesbian milk getter.
The one called "brain".
I stare at the grace of this magnificent place.
"Please, kiss me before I die."

[dwim]

Thamks for the encouragement. I thought it was too wordy myself but at the time that I was writing this, they all seem so relevent that they had to be put in there. I'm hoping this little piece will be a part of something bigger down the road somewhere, so right now I'm not too concerned with rewriting it yet. Just throwing this piece out there for all of you to read and share with me the thoughts on it.
Will he get her back? I don't know. i haven't decided if the bastard deserves to be love by her yet.

[AsIs]

Hey there dwim. Been there, done that, so I can emphasize, but the style felt a bit detached to me. So the hook didn't pull me in. Good ideas, universal emotions and has promise. Hope that helps, criticizing isn't my strong point.

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- "How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his friend. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame... for one person. In the dark. Where no one will ever know or see." - Sebastion, Babylon 5
- Really I am a woman...honest!
- Oh, and I really like women too
- Resident KiSA (Knight in Shining Armor!)